5 Vital Dos and Don'ts of College Hookups

Let's face it, we've all been there.

It's 6am, and you wake up next to a sweaty, shirtless stranger probably named Jake. He has a god awful tribal tattoo on his chest and reeks of cheap vodka. You look around and see your $24 Forever21 dress on the booze-stained floor.

Your phone is missing. You're pretty sure this guy lives a good 20 minute walk from your house.

Oh, and you have no clue where your shoes are.

What now?

Well, I don't have all the answers. But here's five vital do's and don'ts you, Jake, and your thirsty friends need to know about college hookups.

1) Don’t: Sleep at his house if you're seriously trashed. Just don't.

There is nothing worse than waking up in a dude's bed and realizing you either:

A) Pissed the bed.

B) Puked everywhere, including on him and yourself.

C) All of the above.

Girls aren't supposed to do disgusting things. We are perfect, gross-free goddesses but as soon as you make a dude think otherwise, you're done.

It's still kind of embarrassing if you lose function of your body in your own home: but doing it in his is social suicide. For the rest of your college years, you will be an object of ridicule for him and his friends. Guys will be scared of you.

Not to mention you have to awkwardly clean up after yourself. In other words, you have to take the laundry you soiled home to wash. Meaning, you're going to have to see him again. This interaction will probably be sober and awkward, to say the least.

So next time, just play it safe and sleep with him at your place. Don't Linger in the morning.

This advice is for all you male and female lingerers out there. You know who you are, and you need to cut it out.

Lingering: Staying for an unwelcome amount of time after waking up in the morning after a drunk college hookup. Time can range anywhere from fifteen minutes to over an hour.

No ladies, Drew from Delta Chi doesn't want to take you to bagels and talk about your intense CrossFit workouts. If he says he's getting up to take a shower, that is your cue to leave. Goodbye.

And no gentlemen, she doesn't want you to try and make forced small talk then attempt to have another go at morning sex.

Just get out of there, as fast and smoothly as possible. 3) Do and Don't Do: Movie nights.

Everyone who has had a college hookup knows that "Come over for a movie night" is a code for "Come over so we can hook up."

If you didn't know this before now, it’s about time I burst your bubble.

That cute, popular sophomore Mark actually didn't want to spend quality time watching Along Came Polly for two fucking hours just to have you kiss him goodbye at the end. He's seen the movie 14 times. He probably also never texted you to hang out after that, huh? Exactly.

So, if you are down to sleep with this guy sober, by all means go over to his house when he asks if you want to have a movie night.

If you have no intention of seeing frat boy Chad's naked bod without your booze goggles on, refrain until the weekend.

My tip: get the best of both worlds and bring a bottle of wine. Awkward sober tension: Gone. 4) Don't: Be a Homie Hopper.

For those of you unaware of what a Homie Hopper is, (who are you?) I define a homie hopper as follows:

Homie Hopper: A guy or girl who sleeps with multiple people in a particular friend group.

Being a homie hopper is an uphill battle that never ends well.

If you're a female homie hopper, all the guys you're sleeping with think you're dirty and easy. That's that. Even if you're truly not dirty (because let's be honest you probably are easy), to them you are.

You're the bottom of the watered down jungle juice: everyone has tried it, and no one wants it in the end.

If you're a male homie hopper, the consequences aren't pretty either. There is nothing girls do more than gossip. And even worse, girls can singlehandedly ruin your reputation faster than you can ever shotgun a can of beer.

So, you sleep with a babe named Kate a few times. A few weekends later, you hook up with her friend Heather because she is all over you.

Guess what's going to happen when Kate finds out:

a) Kate is so mad, she decided to tell all 150 of her sorority sisters you have a STD and are horrible in bed. Yikes.

b) Heather, fearful of her friendship being ruined with Kate, tells everyone you're a creep who probably drugged her drink when she wasn't looking. Double yikes.

Homie Hopping: anyone could do it, but everyone probably shouldn't. 5) Do: Buy her drunk food. Feed her.

Yes, it's that easy. All that a drunk girl wants at the end of a night out is some food, and maybe some sex. Offer the food and the sex will come easier. Buying a girl drunk food is an especially useful tip for you guys that are clearly out of a girl's league.

It's 2am; you've been making out with a dime named Jen on the dance floor all night. People are starting to leave, including her friends. This is the riskiest time - this is where you seal the deal, or she bounces with her girls.

I guarantee you the thoughts going through her mind are: "He's pretty good looking, but nothing too great. I'd be down to go home with him and hookup tonight...or I could go home with Trish and eat some pizza and pass out."

Stop that contemplation right in it's tracks. Take the initiative, suggest to her that you go get some food then pass out at your place. And now you've just got laid.